“Please Mr. Custer! I Don’t Wanna Go!”

My title is the song that has played through my brain for a couple of weeks.   While indians weren’t attacking, my attitude was.   I would have rather had my fingernails pulled out with pliers than go to the leadership conference I had been invited to.  ‘Invited’ might not be the best description.  It dealt with my job and honestly at the time of being asked, I was on board.

But, now I was not and praying for at least 12 foot of snow to hit during Saturday night.  Or, maybe even typhoid fever?  That definitely sounds like something to get you a free pass.  Since the County Health nurse was going, it would clinch it for me.

Honestly, this reaction is so not me.  It is so not my character not to be the one cheering to go.  I love a field trip.  In fact when I worked at the middle school, every year I would fenegle my way to going with 6th graders to the State Fair, which the other paras gave into me gladly.   One year I went to the same IMAX presentation on tornadoes at the Kansas Cosmosphere three times in one week just to break up the routine.  If the wheels are turning, strap me in because I am already half way there.  This time, despite knowing we would be spoiled rotten, I was not even the least bit enticed with the ploy that it was held at the Hyatt Regency Hotel on the Waterwalk in Wichita.

My suspicions were that I wasn’t the only one going feeling this way.  We got pep rally like letters in the mail, but they made no difference.  In fact, it made it worse.  “Prepare to be taken out of your comfort zone.”  Excuse me, but the last year of my life I have resided out of my comfort zone and would like a vacation back into it, thank you very much!  I still feel like I am healing physically and mentally from those challenges, not to mention a few new ones to be thrown in to keep us on our toes.  My husband was handling some different challenges of his own and I was not too hip on leaving him, either.  I grumbled that I was dragging my heels to everyone around, even if it had a comedic side to it.   The thing that really had deterred my attitude is I have had some long-awaited dreams that I can finally work on.  These have been put on a shelf for so long, I thought they were lost.  Suddenly in the last few weeks, they have come to life.  In fact on Saturday I had just gone to a workshop that had my head spinning with information and ideas.  All I wanted to do was come home and get to work before my brain blew up from inspiration and excitement.  If I didn’t get going, I might forget.  My fire would be snuffed out, hence the dream be delayed once again.

Sunday morning in the land between getting up and staying in my cocoon for a few more minutes, God and I had a little chat session.  Laying on my back, I sincerely confessed that I was sorry for being such a whineybutt.  Evidently there was a reason I should be going and if there was not even a skiff of snow on the ground, I would get on board and not be so negative.  I got up and looked out.  Not even a powdered sugar dusting.  I also figured with typhoid fever one probably had to run a temperature.  I wasn’t even warm.  I was going to Wichita and plastering on ‘a smile is my umbrella” attitude.

Then I sat down for some quiet time.  Just like God, guess what the story was?  It was about David being a shepherd first and knowing he was anointed king, but he worked as a harp player and a warrior for 22 years before the king gig finally came to pass.  The verse tailor-made for my man Dave (and I) came from 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12 that says “Because we know that this extraordinary day is just ahead, we pray for you all the time–pray that our God will make you fit for what he’s called you to be, pray that he’ll fill your good ideas and acts of faith with his own energy so that it all amounts to something.  If your life honors the name of Jesus, he will honor you.  Grace is behind and through all of this, our God giving himself freely, the Master, Jesus Christ, giving himself freely.”  (From the Message)  BAM! BIFF! POW!  Could that have hit any closer to home?  I think I even got a nosebleed.

So I went for the four mentally exhausting days.   It is true that I got down and kissed the ground when I got home.  I will also be honest.  It was invaluable in many ways, and since I am still processing what went on, I think I will see the value take shape more and more.   I found the experience very frustrating at times and felt like we were spinning our wheels during part of it, which was all part of the plan to help us learn.  I texted Cliff once to “Rescue me!” and imagined him driving the backhoe up on the lawn of the Hyatt, bucket raised to the second story awning to save his beloved.  He did not act on this plan to which all parties are thankful.  At some point everything came together and the light bulb moments happened.

Does the experience have anything to do with my dream?  I don’t know, but I am betting it will contribute to it some way even if I can’t see it in action at the moment.  I know I am one step closer to trusting in God’s best for my life and fully commit to whatever God asks of me.  I’m not there yet, but I have faith and hope because after all I am still a masterpiece in the works.  Aren’t we all?

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